“You’re So Vain”: When a Federal Judge Quotes Carly Simon to Deny a Solar Eclipse Vacation

By: John Guidry

Have you been to Key West? At times, I’ve found it magical. Other times, it’s just an overpriced tourist trap. Back in the 90s, I met Mel Fisher, the legendary treasure hunter. He sat at Rick’s off Duval Street, drinking. Within minutes, my wife was buying “Treasure Jewelry.”

• The Story: Fisher spent 16 years searching for the Atocha, telling his crew every morning, “Today’s the Day!” In Year 16, he found $400 Million in gold.
• The Product: The “jewelry” wasn’t pure gold; it was often worthless coins encased in silver. But you weren’t buying the metal. You were buying the Story.

The “White Van” Speaker Scam Seth Godin tells a similar story in All Marketers Are Liars. Guys in a white van would pull up to college dorms and sell cheap speakers by implying they were stolen (“fell off the back of a truck”).

• The Reality: They were clearance items legally bought at Best Buy.
• The Twist: Students paid more for them out of the van than they would have at the store. Why? Because they bought the story.

Did your lawyer tell the judge the wrong story? Storytelling matters. Call John today at (407) 423-1117.

The Legal Lesson: Don’t Tell the Judge the Wrong Story

The legal lesson today involves telling the right story. If you tell a judge a story that makes you look entitled, you will lose.

The Case: United States v. Bishop (Middle District of Florida, 2017)

• The Request: The Prosecutor filed a motion to continue (delay) a federal trial.
• The Reason: The government’s star witness, an ATF Agent, had pre-paid for a vacation to the “Zone of Totality” to watch the Solar Eclipse.

The Question: Do you think a federal judge will shut down a trial involving dozens of jurors, lawyers, and witnesses so one guy can look at the sun for two minutes?

The Order: Judge Merryday Drops the Mic (and Carly Simon)

Judge Steven Merryday did not just say “No.” He wrote a masterpiece. He started by referencing history—Herodotus, Borodin’s opera, and Wordsworth. Then, he quoted Carly Simon:

“Well I hear you went to Saratoga And your horse, naturally, won Then you flew your Learjet up to Nova Scotia To see the total eclipse of the sun… You’re so vain You probably think this song is about you”

The Smackdown: Judge Merryday dismantled the request with brutal logic:

1. The Burden: A trial involves the resources of the court, opposing counsel, witnesses, and scores of jurors.
2. The Request: The motion proposed to subordinate all of that “to one person’s aspiration to view a ‘total’ solar eclipse for no more than two minutes and forty-two seconds.”
3. The Ruling:“When an indispensable participant, knowing that a trial is imminent, pre-pays for some personal indulgence, that participant, in effect, lays in a bet. This time, unlike Carly Simon’s former suitor… this bettor’s horse has — naturally — lost.“

Motion DENIED.

John’s 2026 Update: “Main Character Syndrome” in Court

Note: In 2017, this request was bold. In 2026, judges have zero tolerance for “Main Character Energy.”

1. The “Pre-Paid Vacation” Rule Clients often ask me to move court dates because they have “non-refundable tickets.”

• The Reality: Judges generally do not care. Unless it is a funeral or a medical emergency, the Court’s schedule takes precedence over Expedia. If a Federal Agent couldn’t get a pass for a once-in-a-lifetime celestial event, you likely won’t get one for a cruise to the Bahamas.

2. “Hybrid” Attendance Denied In 2026, people often ask, “Can I just appear via Zoom?”

• The Eclipse Scenario Today: If that agent asked to testify via Zoom from the “Zone of Totality” today, the answer would still be NO.
• Why: A jury trial requires physical presence. Judges feel that “phoning it in” disrespects the gravity of the charges.

3. Professionalism Matters Judge Merryday’s order highlights a key fact: The Court System is bigger than any one person.

• Our Approach: When we request a continuance, we focus on Justice (e.g., “We need more time to review evidence”), not Personal Indulgence. We tell the story of why the delay helps the Truth, not why it helps our tan.

Tell the Right Story

Whether you are selling “Treasure Jewelry” or asking for a trial delay, the story matters. Don’t let your lawyer walk into court and quote the wrong song.

Call me at (407) 423-1117. Let’s get your story straight.

About John Guidry II

John Guidry II is a seasoned criminal defense attorney and founder of the Law Firm of John P. Guidry II, P.A., located in downtown Orlando next to the Orange County Courthouse, where he has practiced for over 30 years. With more than three decades of experience defending clients throughout Central Florida since 1993, Guidry has successfully defended thousands of cases in Orange, Seminole, Osceola, Brevard, Lake, and Volusia counties. He has built a reputation for his strategic approach to criminal defense, focusing on pretrial motions and case dismissals rather than jury trials.

Guidry earned both his Juris Doctorate and Master of Business Administration from St. Louis University in 1993. He is a member of the Florida Bar and the Florida Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. His practice encompasses the full spectrum of Florida state criminal charges, with a particular emphasis on achieving favorable outcomes through thorough pretrial preparation and motion practice.

Beyond the courtroom, Guidry is a prolific legal educator who has authored over 400 articles on criminal defense topics. He shares his legal expertise through his popular YouTube channel, Instagram, and TikTok accounts, where he has built a substantial following of people eager to learn about the law. His educational content breaks down complex legal concepts into accessible information for the general public.

When not practicing law, Guidry enjoys tennis and pickleball, and loves to travel. Drawing from his background as a former recording studio owner and music video producer in the Orlando area, he brings a creative perspective to his legal practice and continues to apply his passion for video production to his educational content.