The “Mind-Reading Machine”: Inside the Florida Legislature

By: John Guidry

From time to time, you may wonder how our legislature in Tallahassee is helping to protect “We The People.”

They could seek ways to create a more efficient government. They could work to help Florida lead the nation in education. They could re-organize the way Florida handles mental health patients so our prisons stop being the largest mental health treatment facilities in the state.

Wonder what our legislators are actually thinking? Well, wonder no more. A secret “mind-reading machine” transcript was leaked to my office, and I’m going to share some excerpts. (For you X-Files fans, you know what I’m talking about).

Here is a glimpse into the creative process of our elected officials—a process that seems to consist entirely of asking: “What if we just make more things a crime?”

Charged with a “Flavor of the Month” felony?

The legislature keeps inventing new crimes, but we keep inventing new defenses. Call John today at (407) 423-1117.

The Legislative Brainstorming Session

TIME STAMP 14:36:04: Brain wave patterns show numerous bored legislators looking to justify their paychecks when suddenly, a stroke of creativity strikes…

Legislator A: “Remember when drug dealing was a crime? A 15-year sentence isn’t enough. What if we double it to 30 years if the deal happens within 1,000 feet of a Convenience Store?” Legislator B: “Brilliant! I feel safer walking into 7-Eleven already!” (Lobbying efforts of store owners redacted).

Legislator A: “And remember Dealing in Stolen Property? That law didn’t stop people from using the internet. So, let’s make a separate statute—Dealing in Stolen Property Via the Internet (Florida Statute 812.095(2)).” Legislator B: “Yes! Adding ‘via the internet’ will definitely stop the scourge of Craigslist and eBay.”

Legislator C: “What about old people? I love old people.” Legislator A: “Done. Aggravated Battery on a Person Over 65.”

Legislator D: “Guys, can’t we create a crime for hitting someone pregnant?” Legislator A: “Done. Battery on a Pregnant Person.”

Legislator E: “Don’t forget firefighters!” Legislator A: “Done. Battery on a Firefighter.”

Legislator F: “Security guards are people too!” Legislator A: “Bam. Battery on a Security Guard.”

Legislator G: “We need to protect schools. Not by ‘doing’ anything, but by passing laws. How about Battery on a Teacher?” Legislator A: “Too narrow. Let’s go with Battery on a School Official.”

Young Whipper Snapper: “What if someone hits an EMT?” Legislator A: “The new felony of Battery on an Emergency Medical Care Provider is born today!”

Months Later: “Hey, you know those people who investigate traffic accidents but aren’t really cops? Shouldn’t they have their own crime?” Legislator A: “Consider it done. Battery on a Traffic Accident Investigation Officer.”

The Grand Finale: “What about the security guards at community college Board of Trustee meetings? They aren’t school employees.” Legislator A: “Great idea! Let’s create a felony for Battery on a Security Officer Employed by the Board of Trustees of a Community College.”

John’s Takeaways

Yes, these are all real crimes.

From a defense attorney’s perspective, this is legislative theater. We already have laws for Battery and Aggravated Battery. We already have laws for Dealing in Stolen Property. But instead of fixing the root causes of crime, the legislature simply takes an existing crime, adds a specific profession or location to the title, and enhances the penalties.

It results in a criminal code that is bloated, confusing, and filled with “gotcha” enhancements.

• The “Enhancement” Trap: If you get into a scuffle at a bar, it’s a misdemeanor. If you get into a scuffle with a security guard at a community college trustee meeting, it’s a felony. The action is the same; the “victim’s” job title changes your life.
• The “Convenience Store” Rule: The drug laws are particularly absurd. By drawing 1,000-foot circles around every convenience store, church, school, and park, there is almost nowhere in Orlando that isn’t an enhancement zone.

Don’t Be a Statistic of “Legislative Creativity”

The legislature might be bored, but the consequences of their “creativity” are serious. If you are facing one of these hyper-specific charges, you need a defense that cuts through the noise.

Call me at (407) 423-1117. Let’s defend against the new laws.

About John Guidry II

John Guidry II is a seasoned criminal defense attorney and founder of the Law Firm of John P. Guidry II, P.A., located in downtown Orlando next to the Orange County Courthouse, where he has practiced for over 30 years. With more than three decades of experience defending clients throughout Central Florida since 1993, Guidry has successfully defended thousands of cases in Orange, Seminole, Osceola, Brevard, Lake, and Volusia counties. He has built a reputation for his strategic approach to criminal defense, focusing on pretrial motions and case dismissals rather than jury trials.

Guidry earned both his Juris Doctorate and Master of Business Administration from St. Louis University in 1993. He is a member of the Florida Bar and the Florida Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. His practice encompasses the full spectrum of Florida state criminal charges, with a particular emphasis on achieving favorable outcomes through thorough pretrial preparation and motion practice.

Beyond the courtroom, Guidry is a prolific legal educator who has authored over 400 articles on criminal defense topics. He shares his legal expertise through his popular YouTube channel, Instagram, and TikTok accounts, where he has built a substantial following of people eager to learn about the law. His educational content breaks down complex legal concepts into accessible information for the general public.

When not practicing law, Guidry enjoys tennis and pickleball, and loves to travel. Drawing from his background as a former recording studio owner and music video producer in the Orlando area, he brings a creative perspective to his legal practice and continues to apply his passion for video production to his educational content.